These past days have been a nightmare and a good dream at
the same time. Pardon the irony, I just revel in it. My emotions went up and
down many more times this week than I can imagine and I can’t help but blame
the girl that I am. Yes, I was in the red flag days and yes, I believe that
girls have these moments during their cycle but I don’t think it should even be
taken seriously. But well, I have learned to accept that my emotions are a
little sensitive during this cycle. (Oh well.)
So it was that emotional week. It was that week full of dull
moments but also one full of stress and well, pardon this mushiness, kilig,
as well. I guess I need those moments, the latter I mean; to balance out
everything else in life. And well, I let myself even when I know this is not
going anywhere; if it is even going. I mean, hell, it’s just another one of those
unrequited like I have. I’m back to the mushy “i-have-a-crush” highschoolish
thingy. Maybe this is where I will have to pull up the happiness-kilig strings
for now.
It’s been a year since I dated someone, technically. (It’s
been a year, wow.) But before that, it was a long 25 years, why shouldn’t I
survive many more years, right? Well, I guess I need that someone to even out
everything else in life. But again, I rebut myself. I should not need anyone to
feel complete. Well, yes, no one will complete me but me but having a better
half makes it better?!?! (Oh wow, I sound so weird.) But simply put, I’d like
that better half. I’d like to find him and well, hold his hand, kiss him maybe
and exchange sweet nothings.( And I puke, for being that girl. Hahaha. Pardon
me.)
I dated someone officially once only. Yes, once only. (The
manang in me just squirms.) And well, because we were friends before everything
turned haywire, so I guess being friends after doesn’t violate any rule right?
We had the mandatory awkward moments and “I’m not speaking to you” days, weeks
and months but well, I guess, because we were friends, we still were. And my
other friends tease me endlessly that I am not over him. I guess, he will
always have that mark. He broke my heart for crying out loud, why wouldn’t he
leave a mark, right? But well, I’ve moved on from a love lost to a love willing
to be found again.
And I found love. Only to find out that it was just that
fleeting “I’m not quite sure how to put this” feeling. I thought I was in love.
I just had this deep like for someone. Yes, it sounds bull but there is such a
thing. Deep like. (Haha.) Sounds absurd. Well, I did like this one guy and
well, I thought he liked me, too; only to learn that he didn’t want to do
anything about this “i’m not quite sure what this is” air between us. And so he
moved on to find another girl and find he did. And this left me, frazzled,
confused and well, a little hurt maybe? But like what I try to do, I
rationalized and became friends with him. (Haha.)
And now, I wish I have found it again. But I take cautious
steps so as not to hurt myself so much. I build up these walls again hoping he
finds the time and effort to break it all. If he does, I guess it’s worth the
fall, right?
Paulo Coelho says: To live is to love, rest is silence.
Well, I guess I better live and love right?
though i may suffer