Pain

I wish this pain
Meant I am living
Well, it does.

Only,
It also means
I'm dying;

Slowly,
Daily,
While I pain.

I hurt.
Of finding you,
Of losing you,
Of not holding on.

I will live
Through this pain,
I know.

I'll wake up daily
And go through life,
Like it never happened.

But that would only be my facade;
That would only be another character
I will portray.

Because the me that is pained,
Lives on inside.

Because I am pained.
I am hurt.
I am living.

May You

May you
Find the one
Who will make you smile
Like smiling was the only thing you knew.

May you find the one
Who will make every morning
Worth waking up to.

May you find the one
Who will make every moment
Worth living for.

May you find the one
In me.
But if the one
Isn't me,
I hope that the one
Will love you
More than I do.

I got my heart broken, once again. Whose fault? Mine. Just mine. I’m not blaming anyone. It was thanks to me. If I just stopped it early on, I wouldn’t be hurt this way. And besides, he never knew. He never knew how so far down I have fallen. So there you go, my fault.

Love is choosing the same person over and over again even when he hurts you every time. Blind love, I know but isn’t love supposed to be that way? I know, not always. But how else could I love someone who is not mine in the first place? That’s what’s wrong. I always love a person from a far, in secret; I don’t tell him. Why should I? Unless he professes his undying love for me, maybe only then. That’s wrong I know. I should do something; take the first step. Maybe so, maybe not.

Why don’t I take the first step? Because one, I am not ready to be rejected and two, I am not ready to be hurt. But I still hurt myself in the end. Stupid, right? I know, I am stupid bordering on crazy. That’s just how love is for me.

But I figured out one thing, however love will hurt me, I decide to fall again, at some point. So maybe, I still believe in love. Because love is real; it’s not a bad thing, it’s real, real, real. I believe in real love. I believe in true love. I may have thought it was you but I knew it wasn't.

Maybe someday I’d read this and laugh about it because I was wrong or right; whatever. Love is real. I believe in falling in love and finding you in the crowd. I will find you next to me. 

Try

I've been trying
To put some sense
To this otherwise
Utterly delusional state.

I've been trying
To evade
This frenzy
I made myself.

I've been trying
Too hard
I guess
To no avail.

I've been trying
To explain myself
To you, to me
To my rational self.

I've been trying
To place words
When otherwise
Incoherent they may seem.

I've been trying
To place myself
In a numb state
To be unfeeling.

I've been trying.
But you've been trying too.
To put me in this maze
To put me in this daze.

You've been trying.
To put words
Where no words
Could actually explain.

You've been trying.
To put sense
When there seems
That sense is but a word.

You've been trying
To explain
To me, to yourself
I hope.

You've been trying.
And yet as we both try,
Neither gets to
Where we wish we were.

I want to stop trying.
Only if you stop trying too.
Only when I can stop myself.
Only when we could stop.

Take A Chance on Me

I know this.

I understand.

I feel the same.

But I choose to try.

I know you’re afraid.

But not as much as I am.

I know it seems unreal.

But my dear, isn’t this worth a try?

You have been pained.

I have been through the worst.

We’re both trying to start over.

I guess we could try.

I never knew I’d think of this.

This would never have crossed my mind.

Not until you came.

And now, I’m ready to try, again.

I know you have doubts.

We can never be sure.

We will never be sure.

But baby, this is surely worth the try.

Let’s take this leap of faith.

Let’s take that one changing step.

This change, it’s scary.

But for sure, you are worth that try.

You

You are the love I will never have.
You are the love I can never have.

You are the love I will always dream of.
You are the love I will always think of.

You
Are
The
Love.

You are the love I will never lose.
You are the love I will always have.

You are the love I can only wish I have.
You are the love with a hand I wish I could hold.

You
Are
The
Love.

You are the love right here beside me.
You are the love a little distant.

You are the love that is an irony.
You are the love that is my hyperbole.

You
Are
The
Love.

Self Note

Dear Heart,

There you go again. You are, once again, making a fool of yourself. You are, once again, liking someone who does not look your way. Have you not learned? Have you not been broken so many times only to be broken again? I don't know. You never learn. You think on your own. You never rationalize. You never look at all angles. You just like someone and eventually fall in love. How crazy can you get? I know I can't blame you. But I believe, we've had enough of this unrequited love, haven't we? We've had enough of this falling for someone you can never have. We've had enough of crazy circumstances. Why not find someone who loves you and love them back? Why can't you?

I know this sounds crazy but hear me out please. Give yourself a break. But then again, go and love. It's your right. It's our privilege. What could we do wrong really? That's just how we love, right? But sometimes, we have to give ourselves a break. But then again, we are happy this way, aren't we? Loving someone from a far. That's just how we are.

Fine. I give up. You win. Love him anyway. I love him too.

Sincerely,

Your crazy self

One More Night

Dear Future Love,

Alas!

If you are reading this, probably, or rather, finally, the odds are now in my favor; the universe has conspired; the world has found me worthy. So I say thank you: for finding me, for taking time to find me, for not backing out when you saw me, for knowing me, for knowing me more, for knowing me beyond this persona, for being you and for being with me in this "us". Yes, that latter one is cliche, mushy, corny, but let me. This matters. You matter. We matter.

I have always believed in happy endings and I have always said this. Now I know, there is no happy endings, only happy ever afters. Thank you for making me realize that when it comes to us, I will never anticipate how we will end but how we will sail through the rest of our lives together. I know, that sounds a little too corny but trust me, this thing we have, gives me the liberty and the right to be. I used to believe that love does not need to be corny. Well, I know now, it needs to be because through corny thoughts and words can we show each other how much we mean to each other, how much we love, how much we are here, together; this was a mistake I've done in the past, holding back. Well now, there is no holding back. I will let myself fall. Not only that, I will let myself be the corny person I need to be just so.

Now, it's all just pristine, beautiful. So I guess THIS IS LOVE. Yes, that right there is corny-ness at its peak. But I will let that pass.

Honestly, as I am writing it now, I am more fearful than giddy. I am afraid that no one gets to read this or no one gets to be the addressee at all. That's just. I can't imagine life without you, or maybe, the thought of having that one person that sees me and loves me for me. But I am giddy, believe me I am. But I truly hope somebody gets to be the recipient of this letter. Somebody. Someone. You.

Yes, you.

Thank you.

I love you.

And here's to more mushy and corny love letters like this.

And as to right now, I wish to see you soon.

Love always,

Yoy <3

Forced

We can't force the love we can't have.

I guess that makes sense. Nothing can be forced; if we have to, it has to end at some point.

I am still that superficial girl. I still believe in true love, in happy endings; forced love is neither, it is not true and will surely have no happy endings.

I wish life was a fairytale and I meet Prince Charming and have that beautiful happy ending or may be it is; it just takes a lifetime to have that happy ending, not merely 400 pages, 200 perhaps, or an hour or two. It takes many lifetimes, probably.

I wrote a long time ago that I'd be willing to wait another lifetime just to have that one day where I am sure that I have met my Prince Charming; that one day that I am sure; that one day when I can say I have found love.

I don't know if there would be another lifetime for me. If there's none, here's hoping I meet my Prince Charming in this lifetime and then, I could die happy.

And when I do meet him, I hope I actually separate him from all the superficial Prince Charming's and know that he is the one. I hope I need not go through stitches and burns only to find him, but if I have to, I will because I know it'd be worth it.

Until then, I'll stay in this corner until you find me or I find you. :)

#goodvibes

So there. (Almost but not quite)

So there. I took the test, no, make that tests, that would determine if I get to have that 3 letters added to my name; getting married and getting that Mrs as an addition would have been easier, I guess.

It was a long day. Long would be an understatement. It was long. So there. It had to end but now, another thing starts: the anticipation. Unless I can be sure that I passed such, only then can I celebrate; what I did last night, what I had to do, was take out all of my frustrations. And out did it go, along with my energy. Today, I am spent and it is still noon.

Frustrations. Everyday wouldn't be complete without one, but yesterday, frustrations just had to overflow. You memorize formulas only to be given 3 simple essay questions. Simple here is the operative term. But it would've been simple if I had prepared for it. Again, I am back to studying the wrong things, focusing on the wrong lessons. Damn this. Damn this misfortune. Frustrations would come from the fact that you actually babbled rather than write the correct things just because you couldn't remember. Frustrations would mean not being able to remember everything you have studied. Frustrations would mean not being ready 100%. And frustrations would mean being there alone. Well, not technically but figuratively, alone.

This journey ended yesterday. Well, so I think it did. Everything that I have studied for three years all came down to three essay questions, a simple balance sheet, a simple cash flow, a simple income statement, a pert-cpm, a forecast method, a regression analysis, it all came down to 6 hours of torture and anticipation. And here I am, waiting for the results, wishing against hope that I pass and not need to retake.

So there, today, I am spent. And I am bombarded with work which, right now, I don't give a damn about. I think I have to find another one. One that would give me the motivation. Funny how I wrote about it yesterday while answering an essay question. That drive, that vision: so elusive, so ambiguous, so unclear.

So there, I feel lost again. And I don't know how to find my way back.

I think it's just that time of the month. I hope it is. I really hope it is. Or else, I'm back in that depressed mode. And I never liked it. It was a blackhole.

And so there.

Below are snapshots of my yearbook pictorial, hoping I get to wear that toga soon. Hoping. So there.

The Future: It scares me

Where do I find myself 10 years from now?

I have been asked this question several times in my lifetime and always, it takes me a moment to actually gather my thoughts and ask myself, where do I actually intend to go? I am not someone with a definite plan. I have always had goals in my life: to graduate, be a certified public accountant, be a lawyer perhaps, but I wasn’t really definite about it. I graduated, I became an accountant all on the same year but the third goal? It remains a goal until now.

I have always shared this passion to become a lawyer but I was always overcome with fear. What if I don’t pass the entrance tests? The initial interview? What if I have a hard time with the subjects? With time management? And so I always take a step back.

Then I finally decided to take up this masteral degree with the hopes of gaining a more mature approach in my professional career. I may have a license to back me up but the experience that I have gained in my 5 years in the corporate world doesn’t seem enough to aid me in my hopes to advance professionally.

I have been to three companies in my 5 year career. The longest time before my current job was a two year stint in an academe. Funny things is, I wasn’t part of the faculty but of the staff. It was actually a conscious decision. I wanted to teach but I wasn’t ready. I wanted to be equipped when I actually attempt to share my knowledge to young people. So I took up a master’s degree.

And now, I am at the threshold of another step in my life. In a few weeks, I will gain yet another addition to my name and to my competency. With this in tow, I am now on the track of my professional advancement goals.

Throughout the three years of my masters, I have been through and fro in my reflections, realizations, and goal settings on where I want to take myself in the next 10 years. I have tried many things. I have stopped for a time in my master’s degree and felt that it was not a very wise move so I just had to go back. I have tried teaching and well, it did not give me the level of excitement I always envisioned it to give me. So I stick with the corporate world and see where it will bring me.

I believe in destiny. I believe in the universe conspiring. I believe in superficial things. But I also believe that where I will be 10 years from now depends entirely on the decision I make today, tomorrow and the rest of the tomorrows before I reach 10 years. The decision, I know is as simple as this: achieve my pre-determined goals in my current position in my current company. After which, I make another decision where I intend to go.

I have just been recently given a task that is quite a feat; something that will become a legacy once accomplished. Whatever the outcome, I am quite sure that I will continue to be of service to my present company, but at least I can be assured, I have made something so vital to the company.

Professionally, getting a masters degree is a big boost. This will prepare me to be an equipped manager in the future. In the professional ladder that is set before me in my company and industry, there is a good possibility that within the next 10 years, I will become part of the management team of my company; not necessarily as the Finance Manager because I am also interested in taking on a bigger challenge, that is to become the Corporate Planning Supervisor. I am tickled by the necessary strategic decisions and plans I will have to make and recommend to the management committee.

So in 10 years, professionally, I envision myself as a manager; personally, I envision myself as a wife and a mother. In 10 years, I will be starting my own business. In 10 years, I will be reading this again and laugh at myself probably for saying these things but I know I will applaud myself for a job well done. J

The Next Chapter

You can't start the next chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the last one. - Comedytexts

Funny how I tumble over this quote while I have been thinking of ending a chapter in my life. So yes, I have subconsciously decided to end the torture to my heart and mind. Yes, torture. So last sunday, amidst the hype of everyone else anticipating monday, there I was, finally deciding to move on.

Almost two years ago, I made the first step: end it. But I only did it because I just wanted to end it right there and then. I saw that there was no use letting it go any longer. And yet, I kept coming back: to the feeling, to the confusion, to the what if's. I always wanted to go back. Something inside me always thought that going back is the only rational thing to do. I even said it loud.

I know that feeling will always be there somewhere, lurking. But now, I know I am better off without it or not thinking about it. I say freedom.

And I go back to my very first ever out of country trip. There, I wasn't thinking of that chapter in my life. I thought of it as freedom. I never thought that was possible but it was. I had a 3 hour airplane ride, something I never thought I would survive. I wasn't scared all through the 3 hours; maybe a little frantic, but I survived it; maybe it was the company or just the thought of being in a new world.

I've always wanted a new world; a place where no one will have their biases, judgments, opinions about who I should be and how I perceive the world. I've always wanted to be unknown. The thought that no one really cared what I am doing or what happens to me was scary and exciting at the same time. But I was thankful for the familiar company I was with. They kept me secured, knowing that someone cared about me. Ironic when I say I didn't want anyone to care when I was glad that I was with some people who cared. It's just a different feeling when many people don't really care and those that matter really do. It's a different kind of high you get; true friendship, true care.

And so I move on on many facets in my life. I start with one step, and that would be making a decision. But right now, I long for that freedom again; that feeling of freedom while in an unknown world. Before this year ends, I hope. I hope.

I end this mime with snapshots of that unforgettable trip I made a year ago but still lingers until now. Awesome trip is definitely awesome. :)

Lost in translation. My best picture for that trip. Heehee

Friends, for keeps. :)

Travelers, wanderers yet not lost.

Yeeeeh!

:)

The girls!

Freedom!

Happiness!

Hello unknown world! :D