I am Alone

I close my eyes. Holding in the tears that I would want to shed. But I do not want to cry. To cry would mean my defeat again in this battle. To cry would mean that I succumb to loneliness that have become my second skin.

I am alone.

But I am not alone.

I wish I am not. I wish I am not wishing. I wish I am not imagining.

I am alone. Alone in this battlefield. And I choose to be.

I am alone. Almost forlorn. But I am not alone.

I kneel down and pray. Yes, I am not alone. I have him watching over me.

At least in Him, I am assured He will not reject me. He will not disappoint. He may make me frustrated because I wont get what I would want but I know it is for the better. It is for the better, I convince myself.

I am alone.

Positive and Happy vibes, be my company.

Broken Angel

Yes, I am a broken angel. I have to convince myself that it was not my fault. It wasn't.

He broke my heart. He did. He was my hero. He was my confidante. He was my idol. But he chose to break my heart. He left me. All drenched in tears, in fear, in solitude. He left me.

He was my refuge. I would run to him when she and I did not agree. He would comfort me. But he left me; left me questioning; left me forlorn.

No, I do not hate him. How could I? If I loved him with all my heart. I still love him even when he crushed my heart, even when he left me to question if happiness could ever exist; if pure happiness could ever be true.

He left me broken. He left me crushed. He left me.

But I do not hate him. I forgive him. He had reasons, I know. I just wish he thought of me, he thought of my life without him. I guess he did. Maybe this was for the better. I just wish now that he was strong enough to stay. I just wish he held on.

I know he is as broken as me. I just wish us courage and strength because I know, as days get longer, as years go further, this won't lessen the pain, the brokenness. It will hurt more, I know. But I know we will find consolation in the fact that we have lived now far apart for a long time. We can get through this.

I just wish he thought of her, too. Maybe she was more crushed than him. But nevertheless, it has come to pass. We can only move forward.

I just wish he is fine. I just wish he would call.

I just wish.

I miss you.

I Think of Death

The darkness engulfs me. I succumb to the eerie mood of the place. I think of Death.

The world overwhelms me. It does not give me time to breathe. It throws at me stone by stone, brick by brick; what my poor hand can only handle. But it gives up. It stops catching. It stops.

The world overwhelms me. I would want to scream out loud and free all this pain. But I am tired. I am forlorn. I have given up. I am done.

The world overwhelms me. I try and stop. Maybe I am just in a frenzy. Maybe this will all come to pass. I hope it will. I only wish it will.

The world overwhelms me. I am lost. I am frightened. I am searching. I am gone. I try and find my way but I only trip and lose balance. And I am lost again.

The world overwhelms me. And I think of death. Where else can I run too? My oasis would be to stop breathing. And so I think of death. 

I wake up only to want to close it again. I think of death. 

I think of death and its freedom. I think of death and its hope.

I think of life but it leads me to death. 

I think of life. I ask, is it worth it? 

I think of death. I ask, is this right?

I think of death and succumb to life. 

Half and half

Half and Half

I am now half and half
Half my sky is sunny
Half my sky is cloudy
But half and half it may be,
It continues to be my sky.

I am now half and half
Half my life is over
Half my life has not been lived
But half is still unsure
And yet half has been lived as I knew it.

I am now half and half
Half is happy
Half is sad as can be
And yet half is still hoping
That half will find bliss in serenity.

I am now half and half
Half of me is expecting
Half of me has lost all hope
But half is still looking forward
Because half of me is alive.

I am now half and half
And though I feel I am half and half
I feel that I am whole
Because half of me has found me
Or I found it.

I am now half and half
And yet life is giving it to me whole
So I must take it whole
Not half and half
But to take life half and half together.

I am now half and half
Half of me is life
Half of me is love
Whole of me is laughter
Half and half make up me.

It's almost the 1st

It's the week before the 1st and I'm all hyped. It's always like this. I get excited only to not be excited on the day itself. Weird, really. Maybe it's my nature.

I'm really looking forward though. I feel like I will set this as the day I am reborn. I have to rebuild myself. Find new ground. All's so blurry right now; all's so crazy. I have things that are certain, I have thing's that aren't. I continue to fight this battle called life. I don't want a battle, I want a journey; one that could cause scars, one that could break me but not one that I should fight with everyday. I'm not saying that everyday is a struggle although it seems that way. I have happy days. I always have happy days. I try to have happy days. But always, I have this battles inside me that I would sometimes rather not have. I hate surges of emotions. It affects the way I think, the way I speak and the way I act. I feel like right now, I have these emotions because I am putting other people before me. Maybe I need to start putting myself first. I need to have me-time. I need to have love-myself mantras. I need an Operation Me.

I know I can't please everybody so might as well start with this: please myself. (No pun intended here.)

It's not like I hate my life because really I'm loving it but there are just moments that I wish I could vanish and not feel the emotions I am feeling. I hate that I feel this way. It's not something to be proud of but I am saying it because by saying this, I am admitting it and by admitting it, I can now start moving on.

Yes, I am moving on. This doesn't mean I am leaving anyone behind because trust me, I don't think I am except for a few, perhaps. I will be leaving behind negative vibes, negative energies, negative auras. I will be leaving and I am doing this literally tomorrow. This is another escape, one I need every year. This will be me time. This will be a refresher.

So I say, see you new me. I will see you soon. :)

I Plummet

I have written several blogs about this overrated topic. All of them all too corny but I’m pretty sure this one will beat it. Yes, I am pre-empting my blog but what the heck, I just had to warn my readers that this is going to be a very corny blog. One I never thought I would make but just because I am bored and I would want to do something else other than compute numbers, might as well write this. Ok, I am blabbering. Trying to prolong your agony. I’m sorry. No intentions really. Just writing.  ;p

A year ago, I would not have imagined where I am today. Well, maybe, I wish I was where I am right now. Or I may say, I have thought of this place but never in my thoughts did I consider it to happen.

Today, I find myself plummeting. No, make it plummeted. No, make it plummeting still. Or no, plummeted.

I have always blogged about this confusing state I claimed to be in. I always said I never really understood anything that was happening. I never understood why I had a lot of questions, why I need some answering, why I always felt the urge to talk. And those questions remain. But thankfully, I got one answered. It wasn’t unrequited.

You may ask me, did I plummet long before? I say no. You will argue, for sure. And I will argue. Because I do not think I did nor I was or whatever. I just had questions. And with the questions came apprehensions.  With the apprehensions came fear and then the rest is history. 

Never had I the courage to talk nor did he. The only thing we had nearest to talking was text messages. How lame. Yes, very lame. At least we told each other. But not directly still.

And we came to a funny chance. And we tried it out.So now, I can say, I plummet. (plummeted, plummeting still)

Maybe I was in denial but I will argue. Because really, if I plummeted, then maybe I should not have felt anything for anyone else, right? Or am I just denying again?

It doesn’t matter now really. What matters is today and today I will say I plummet, plummeted, plummeting still.

I know there are no guarantees, this is all a leap of faith but I am willing to take a chance just this once.

So now, I plummet.

Tears are words that need to be written

Tears are words that need to be written.

You ask me why I write, simply this: I write because I have so much emotion within me that I want out of my system and the only thing I can do is to write. I want it out of me so I can start fresh. I want it out of me because it is unwelcome. I need time to breathe. I need time to be pleased with the world.

I write what I feel and what I feel is felt by other people. I have been judged because of my writing and I vowed never to write again. But who are they to stop me from writing? Who are they to stop me from voicing out what I want the world to know? What is wrong with saying what you feel? Why question my maturity just because I wrote? Yes, it was overly emotional but what the heck? Aren’t we all? Aren’t you my dear? If I am hypocrite for writing then why are you reading? Leave my words be. It’s just words and they are my own. Leave them be. 

Over and Above, taking it Beyond

I have always been captured by the horizon. It is the epitome of the end and the beginning; a threshold of promises; a future of the present and the present of the past. It's all but a line that fills the very mark of the end and the beginning of the sea. As we approach it, it goes further; reminding us to always go further. For life is a journey. One that ends and begins with a cry - birth and death; at both times we cry, the other with joy, the other with sadness, of longing, of fear. Both moments, we celebrate; always for the celebration of life. The beginning and the end. And in the middle, what do I have? Life. 

And in the middle, I find people that inspire me. Some of them, I did not expect to meet; I did not expect would inspire me. 

Man - never contented, always wishing for the better, aiming for the best, aims a little more further. It's a cycle, nonstop, never ending, undeniably ended only if we achieve perfect happiness. But where is perfect happiness? And I ask this, why look for perfection if what we have before us is short of perfection but is beyond aesthetics, beyond contentment? It all boils down to perspective. No, life is, can never be, and will never be perfect, but life gives us moments, people that make us believe in perfection. Because perfection is not the absence of mistakes, heartaches and disappointments. Perfection is the presence of moments that erase every mistake, every heartbreak and every disappointment. Perfection is laughter. Perfection is a smile. Perfection is unguarded moments. Perfection is. 

I mumble. I blabber. I complain. Because I am disappointed, frustrated, upset. I question the existence of perfection. 

She mumbles, she blabbers but she does not complain. She only smiles. And she laughs. She laughs because she is amazed. That life has been made complicated by idiots like me. That life has been made disappointing by morons like me. That life has been made mediocrity by dimwits like me.

She smile because now she can celebrate with family, because now, she can be the hero of the family. Little did she know, she became a hero to me. She made me realize, life is simple if we want it to be. Life is beautiful just because. 

The idiot, the moron, the dimwit, that is me, meets a young one who knows that life is not about perfection but moments and people that makes you believe in perfection, if not, then at least, happiness. 

For why search for perfection if here in front of you is happiness?

 

The Diary

 “A diary is a long winded letter you write to an old person who used to be you.” 


This I saw on a blog I am now following. And I couldn't agree more. I used to maintain a diary. It always saddened me every time I failed to write once a day. As I think back now, it might just be a notebook full of crap; one filled of all my whatnots, my blabbers when I was emotionally overtly immature. Yes, I was a child. A child with dreams that were undeniably over the top. A child with aspirations of the undeniably unrealistic world. I was a child. A child who believed in dreams. A child. A child who had hopes of finding my path, my dream. And today, I continue to be a child. 


Yes, my diary was a letter I tried to write to myself, my old self. But this old self, became my threshold of the self I am today. Yes, I have matured but no, I am not fully mature. 


Today, I'd like to write in my diary. Because today, I'd like to share something to her. 


Dearest Diary,


I learned two days ago that today was the day I knew I secretly was dreading. You see, I have to say goodbye to someone today. No, I can't say it personally because he doesn't know I feel this way. It has been years. Oh yes, years, that I kept these feelings with me. It started out as some teenage girl crush and eventually became a deep, true feeling. I don't know if it is love. Perhaps it is just admiration. But for sure, it was way above the rest, the feeling I mean. I always get butterflies with him around. I always catch myself smiling when I think of him. How crazy can that be?


I regret many things today. I regret not being able to talk to him more. I regret not having been able to bond with him. I regret being too shy towards him. I regret feeling like this. But mostly, I regret of having to say goodbye without having the courage to say how he meant to me. Yes, he meant a lot. Even the person who now holds this pedestal I secretly saved for him knows this. That he, not him, owned this. Yes, he did. And I guess, he will always have a spot. 


I am forlorn. I have nothing to say but, goodbye and I'll see you. And my gosh, am I going to miss you. Yes, I will. Much like those times I knew you were within my reach but never within my sight. I will always have this little pang of loneliness knowing, you will be both now; not within my reach and not within my sight. I will miss you. And he will probably hate me for this feeling but I am just being honest with myself. I will miss you. I will miss the silence that defined you. This silence will now define me. I miss you already. I miss you. Will he hate me for saying this? He might. But I hope he knows that he is different. And I just need to let this out. 


I love you. I loved you. I will miss you. I miss you. 


Goodbye.


Always,


Me :)    

I Shoot For the Sky

I shoot for the sky but why should I try if I just go down?  - Jason Walker, Down


Got the song from a very good friend, one I could trust to have great taste on music. Simply because we have the same taste. :) And thanks to him, I found this song. A rather melancholic song. It is however, one song that pushes us to always aim for the sky. 


I remember now as I write this, a friend forwarded to me a text message why we always have to shoot for the stars when they are way up in the sky, really unreachable. The reason: If we shoot for the stars, at least we have the roof to fall down to. If we do fail, we can try again. If we still miss the stars, at least we can say, we tried. 


I also fondly remember now that my mother always told me to always aim high and hit the mark. It became a mantra for a while there, when I was young. I think it was her way of saying to always be the best I can be. She always believed in me. Now, this brings me to tears. Damn me and my reminiscing. Haha! 


My father was a rather ambitious fellow, too. He always introduced me to great career paths. The result: here I am, a Certified Public Accountant. Yes, he is the reason and yes, he is the one to blame. Hahaha! Kidding aside though, thanks to him, I learned to dream. And now, I am tearing up again. Grr my reminiscing. Haha!


I reached for the stars and hit I did alright. I made a dream come true. I may argue and say, it wasn't really my dream but I aimed for it; it must be something worth aiming for. And yes, I know it was, it is still. At least I know, I made my parents proud.


Now, I continue to dream. I know what my heart wants. I just don't think I'm ready for it, mentally and financially. For in dreaming, you consider the odds, you consider your resources but you never forget to dream big. For who will stop you from dreaming? For who will stop you from believing that everything will settle into place? 


I believe in that great big plan. I have plans but I know He has plans, too. I will take it. I will write my book but I will give Him the eraser and let Him do the rewriting as He pleases. I know He knows better. :) 

♥

Wrote this a long time ago, Feb '09 to be exact. And well, I think I am now the alcoholic I was avoiding and evading at the same time. And I plummet. And I let myself. And my maybe is now. :) ♥ 

Yes, love is like alcohol. It maybe a weird simile but it does feel that way. No, I'm not an alcoholic nor am I crazy over love and all its loops. Loops, meaning all that is connected to this overrated topic of love. I never binge drink nor do I get overly "in-love", so to speak. So you see now why I feel that they are similar? 

I never like alcohol. I don't like its effects on people who had too much of it. Much like love's effect. It takes the sanity of the usually sane people. It takes the dignity of the usually dignified people. It may be a rather ruthless way of describing love's effect but this is reality. Dignity is lost to people that let their feelings overrule their intellect and let themselves be get carried away with the spell. Maybe I say this now because I have not been into the spell. But I believe it's way exaggerated when people get tangled up in situations that could have been avoided in the first place. No offense meant to these people. I actually commend them for their bravery. I do not have the courage to let myself plummet at this point. Maybe I need more maturity. Maybe I need the right timing. Maybe I need the right person. Maybe. And when this maybe happens, I become the alcoholic. And I won't be ashamed of it. This is where the contradiction occurs. 

A contradiction between my apprehensions and my anticipations of the maybe. The maybe which I thought, one time in my life, has occurred. The maybe.  

The maybe that would probably change my outlook on this overrated topic and will eventually take me under the spell that I am dreading up to this moment. But how then will I ever encounter this maybe if I am not ready? 

Incidentally, a friend asked me this rather very personal question recently. He asked whether I would let the spell take over me in circumstances that I may encounter. My answer, probably not. I did not actually drink in college, unlike most of the people I know. Maybe I am way too conservative, way too "low tech". But for me, it was a personal decision. I did not want to indulge into something I may not be able to handle. Not unless, I am ready. Ready in the entirety of my being. And so I did a test run in several occasions (a rather funny way of describing it). And well, I rather handled it well. (I hope.) And I have probably did these test runs too with my feelings. Haha! This is funny. 

So what do I hope for? I hope to actually become an alcoholic. Ironic? Very. But don't we all hope to be the alcoholic? Not the "alcoholic" but the one who becomes under the spell. 

Hahai February. 

Talking As I know It (LOL)

Expect nothing and disappointments will be close to nil. Expect too much and frustrations will haunt you.

Trust is, was, will be an issue with me. Not really the other person's fault. Well, not entirely. It also doesn't mean that I think the other person is lying. It's just me, doubting. Which is me, not trusting. Ain't that right?

And my God this is really making me frustrated. Pardon me.

But I believe I have improved. I have become better, I'd say mature.

I used to be the "don't talk to me when I'm mad" person or simply put, someone who suddenly shuts up when upset. Yes, I just zip my mouth. A worst case scenario would be my walking out. Yes, I walk out.

But recently, nah, make it, sometimes, I am more patient. Please put emphasis on more. Yes, I CAN be patient. And yes, I can start talking again after a few minutes of shutting up. This I learned because I know of someone who will tolerate my shutting up, because he, irritatingly, also does not talk. But he has changed, thank God. He talks though I do not really reply to him. And yes, I've changed too. No, I still shut up but yes, after a few minutes or so, I already talk. Yes, I talk. And this was a conscious decision because if I do not, I will just burden myself with thinking over unsettled issues that could have been settled if we just talked.

And yes, now, I realize the importance of communication. Yes, I do. I hope I do. :)