“A diary is a long winded letter you write to an old person who used to be you.”
This I saw on a blog I am now following. And I couldn't agree more. I used to maintain a diary. It always saddened me every time I failed to write once a day. As I think back now, it might just be a notebook full of crap; one filled of all my whatnots, my blabbers when I was emotionally overtly immature. Yes, I was a child. A child with dreams that were undeniably over the top. A child with aspirations of the undeniably unrealistic world. I was a child. A child who believed in dreams. A child. A child who had hopes of finding my path, my dream. And today, I continue to be a child.
Yes, my diary was a letter I tried to write to myself, my old self. But this old self, became my threshold of the self I am today. Yes, I have matured but no, I am not fully mature.
Today, I'd like to write in my diary. Because today, I'd like to share something to her.
Dearest Diary,
I learned two days ago that today was the day I knew I secretly was dreading. You see, I have to say goodbye to someone today. No, I can't say it personally because he doesn't know I feel this way. It has been years. Oh yes, years, that I kept these feelings with me. It started out as some teenage girl crush and eventually became a deep, true feeling. I don't know if it is love. Perhaps it is just admiration. But for sure, it was way above the rest, the feeling I mean. I always get butterflies with him around. I always catch myself smiling when I think of him. How crazy can that be?
I regret many things today. I regret not being able to talk to him more. I regret not having been able to bond with him. I regret being too shy towards him. I regret feeling like this. But mostly, I regret of having to say goodbye without having the courage to say how he meant to me. Yes, he meant a lot. Even the person who now holds this pedestal I secretly saved for him knows this. That he, not him, owned this. Yes, he did. And I guess, he will always have a spot.
I am forlorn. I have nothing to say but, goodbye and I'll see you. And my gosh, am I going to miss you. Yes, I will. Much like those times I knew you were within my reach but never within my sight. I will always have this little pang of loneliness knowing, you will be both now; not within my reach and not within my sight. I will miss you. And he will probably hate me for this feeling but I am just being honest with myself. I will miss you. I will miss the silence that defined you. This silence will now define me. I miss you already. I miss you. Will he hate me for saying this? He might. But I hope he knows that he is different. And I just need to let this out.
I love you. I loved you. I will miss you. I miss you.
Goodbye.
Always,
Me :)
Monday, October 11, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I Shoot For the Sky
I shoot for the sky but why should I try if I just go down? - Jason Walker, Down
Got the song from a very good friend, one I could trust to have great taste on music. Simply because we have the same taste. :) And thanks to him, I found this song. A rather melancholic song. It is however, one song that pushes us to always aim for the sky.
I remember now as I write this, a friend forwarded to me a text message why we always have to shoot for the stars when they are way up in the sky, really unreachable. The reason: If we shoot for the stars, at least we have the roof to fall down to. If we do fail, we can try again. If we still miss the stars, at least we can say, we tried.
I also fondly remember now that my mother always told me to always aim high and hit the mark. It became a mantra for a while there, when I was young. I think it was her way of saying to always be the best I can be. She always believed in me. Now, this brings me to tears. Damn me and my reminiscing. Haha!
My father was a rather ambitious fellow, too. He always introduced me to great career paths. The result: here I am, a Certified Public Accountant. Yes, he is the reason and yes, he is the one to blame. Hahaha! Kidding aside though, thanks to him, I learned to dream. And now, I am tearing up again. Grr my reminiscing. Haha!
I reached for the stars and hit I did alright. I made a dream come true. I may argue and say, it wasn't really my dream but I aimed for it; it must be something worth aiming for. And yes, I know it was, it is still. At least I know, I made my parents proud.
Now, I continue to dream. I know what my heart wants. I just don't think I'm ready for it, mentally and financially. For in dreaming, you consider the odds, you consider your resources but you never forget to dream big. For who will stop you from dreaming? For who will stop you from believing that everything will settle into place?
I believe in that great big plan. I have plans but I know He has plans, too. I will take it. I will write my book but I will give Him the eraser and let Him do the rewriting as He pleases. I know He knows better. :)
Got the song from a very good friend, one I could trust to have great taste on music. Simply because we have the same taste. :) And thanks to him, I found this song. A rather melancholic song. It is however, one song that pushes us to always aim for the sky.
I remember now as I write this, a friend forwarded to me a text message why we always have to shoot for the stars when they are way up in the sky, really unreachable. The reason: If we shoot for the stars, at least we have the roof to fall down to. If we do fail, we can try again. If we still miss the stars, at least we can say, we tried.
I also fondly remember now that my mother always told me to always aim high and hit the mark. It became a mantra for a while there, when I was young. I think it was her way of saying to always be the best I can be. She always believed in me. Now, this brings me to tears. Damn me and my reminiscing. Haha!
My father was a rather ambitious fellow, too. He always introduced me to great career paths. The result: here I am, a Certified Public Accountant. Yes, he is the reason and yes, he is the one to blame. Hahaha! Kidding aside though, thanks to him, I learned to dream. And now, I am tearing up again. Grr my reminiscing. Haha!
I reached for the stars and hit I did alright. I made a dream come true. I may argue and say, it wasn't really my dream but I aimed for it; it must be something worth aiming for. And yes, I know it was, it is still. At least I know, I made my parents proud.
Now, I continue to dream. I know what my heart wants. I just don't think I'm ready for it, mentally and financially. For in dreaming, you consider the odds, you consider your resources but you never forget to dream big. For who will stop you from dreaming? For who will stop you from believing that everything will settle into place?
I believe in that great big plan. I have plans but I know He has plans, too. I will take it. I will write my book but I will give Him the eraser and let Him do the rewriting as He pleases. I know He knows better. :)
♥
Wrote this a long time ago, Feb '09 to be exact. And well, I think I am now the alcoholic I was avoiding and evading at the same time. And I plummet. And I let myself. And my maybe is now. :) ♥
Yes, love is like alcohol. It maybe a weird simile but it does feel that way. No, I'm not an alcoholic nor am I crazy over love and all its loops. Loops, meaning all that is connected to this overrated topic of love. I never binge drink nor do I get overly "in-love", so to speak. So you see now why I feel that they are similar?
I never like alcohol. I don't like its effects on people who had too much of it. Much like love's effect. It takes the sanity of the usually sane people. It takes the dignity of the usually dignified people. It may be a rather ruthless way of describing love's effect but this is reality. Dignity is lost to people that let their feelings overrule their intellect and let themselves be get carried away with the spell. Maybe I say this now because I have not been into the spell. But I believe it's way exaggerated when people get tangled up in situations that could have been avoided in the first place. No offense meant to these people. I actually commend them for their bravery. I do not have the courage to let myself plummet at this point. Maybe I need more maturity. Maybe I need the right timing. Maybe I need the right person. Maybe. And when this maybe happens, I become the alcoholic. And I won't be ashamed of it. This is where the contradiction occurs.
A contradiction between my apprehensions and my anticipations of the maybe. The maybe which I thought, one time in my life, has occurred. The maybe.
The maybe that would probably change my outlook on this overrated topic and will eventually take me under the spell that I am dreading up to this moment. But how then will I ever encounter this maybe if I am not ready?
Incidentally, a friend asked me this rather very personal question recently. He asked whether I would let the spell take over me in circumstances that I may encounter. My answer, probably not. I did not actually drink in college, unlike most of the people I know. Maybe I am way too conservative, way too "low tech". But for me, it was a personal decision. I did not want to indulge into something I may not be able to handle. Not unless, I am ready. Ready in the entirety of my being. And so I did a test run in several occasions (a rather funny way of describing it). And well, I rather handled it well. (I hope.) And I have probably did these test runs too with my feelings. Haha! This is funny.
So what do I hope for? I hope to actually become an alcoholic. Ironic? Very. But don't we all hope to be the alcoholic? Not the "alcoholic" but the one who becomes under the spell.
Hahai February.
Yes, love is like alcohol. It maybe a weird simile but it does feel that way. No, I'm not an alcoholic nor am I crazy over love and all its loops. Loops, meaning all that is connected to this overrated topic of love. I never binge drink nor do I get overly "in-love", so to speak. So you see now why I feel that they are similar?
I never like alcohol. I don't like its effects on people who had too much of it. Much like love's effect. It takes the sanity of the usually sane people. It takes the dignity of the usually dignified people. It may be a rather ruthless way of describing love's effect but this is reality. Dignity is lost to people that let their feelings overrule their intellect and let themselves be get carried away with the spell. Maybe I say this now because I have not been into the spell. But I believe it's way exaggerated when people get tangled up in situations that could have been avoided in the first place. No offense meant to these people. I actually commend them for their bravery. I do not have the courage to let myself plummet at this point. Maybe I need more maturity. Maybe I need the right timing. Maybe I need the right person. Maybe. And when this maybe happens, I become the alcoholic. And I won't be ashamed of it. This is where the contradiction occurs.
A contradiction between my apprehensions and my anticipations of the maybe. The maybe which I thought, one time in my life, has occurred. The maybe.
The maybe that would probably change my outlook on this overrated topic and will eventually take me under the spell that I am dreading up to this moment. But how then will I ever encounter this maybe if I am not ready?
Incidentally, a friend asked me this rather very personal question recently. He asked whether I would let the spell take over me in circumstances that I may encounter. My answer, probably not. I did not actually drink in college, unlike most of the people I know. Maybe I am way too conservative, way too "low tech". But for me, it was a personal decision. I did not want to indulge into something I may not be able to handle. Not unless, I am ready. Ready in the entirety of my being. And so I did a test run in several occasions (a rather funny way of describing it). And well, I rather handled it well. (I hope.) And I have probably did these test runs too with my feelings. Haha! This is funny.
So what do I hope for? I hope to actually become an alcoholic. Ironic? Very. But don't we all hope to be the alcoholic? Not the "alcoholic" but the one who becomes under the spell.
Hahai February.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Talking As I know It (LOL)
Expect nothing and disappointments will be close to nil. Expect too much and frustrations will haunt you.
Trust is, was, will be an issue with me. Not really the other person's fault. Well, not entirely. It also doesn't mean that I think the other person is lying. It's just me, doubting. Which is me, not trusting. Ain't that right?
And my God this is really making me frustrated. Pardon me.
But I believe I have improved. I have become better, I'd say mature.
I used to be the "don't talk to me when I'm mad" person or simply put, someone who suddenly shuts up when upset. Yes, I just zip my mouth. A worst case scenario would be my walking out. Yes, I walk out.
But recently, nah, make it, sometimes, I am more patient. Please put emphasis on more. Yes, I CAN be patient. And yes, I can start talking again after a few minutes of shutting up. This I learned because I know of someone who will tolerate my shutting up, because he, irritatingly, also does not talk. But he has changed, thank God. He talks though I do not really reply to him. And yes, I've changed too. No, I still shut up but yes, after a few minutes or so, I already talk. Yes, I talk. And this was a conscious decision because if I do not, I will just burden myself with thinking over unsettled issues that could have been settled if we just talked.
And yes, now, I realize the importance of communication. Yes, I do. I hope I do. :)
Trust is, was, will be an issue with me. Not really the other person's fault. Well, not entirely. It also doesn't mean that I think the other person is lying. It's just me, doubting. Which is me, not trusting. Ain't that right?
And my God this is really making me frustrated. Pardon me.
But I believe I have improved. I have become better, I'd say mature.
I used to be the "don't talk to me when I'm mad" person or simply put, someone who suddenly shuts up when upset. Yes, I just zip my mouth. A worst case scenario would be my walking out. Yes, I walk out.
But recently, nah, make it, sometimes, I am more patient. Please put emphasis on more. Yes, I CAN be patient. And yes, I can start talking again after a few minutes of shutting up. This I learned because I know of someone who will tolerate my shutting up, because he, irritatingly, also does not talk. But he has changed, thank God. He talks though I do not really reply to him. And yes, I've changed too. No, I still shut up but yes, after a few minutes or so, I already talk. Yes, I talk. And this was a conscious decision because if I do not, I will just burden myself with thinking over unsettled issues that could have been settled if we just talked.
And yes, now, I realize the importance of communication. Yes, I do. I hope I do. :)
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