It's almost the 1st

It's the week before the 1st and I'm all hyped. It's always like this. I get excited only to not be excited on the day itself. Weird, really. Maybe it's my nature.

I'm really looking forward though. I feel like I will set this as the day I am reborn. I have to rebuild myself. Find new ground. All's so blurry right now; all's so crazy. I have things that are certain, I have thing's that aren't. I continue to fight this battle called life. I don't want a battle, I want a journey; one that could cause scars, one that could break me but not one that I should fight with everyday. I'm not saying that everyday is a struggle although it seems that way. I have happy days. I always have happy days. I try to have happy days. But always, I have this battles inside me that I would sometimes rather not have. I hate surges of emotions. It affects the way I think, the way I speak and the way I act. I feel like right now, I have these emotions because I am putting other people before me. Maybe I need to start putting myself first. I need to have me-time. I need to have love-myself mantras. I need an Operation Me.

I know I can't please everybody so might as well start with this: please myself. (No pun intended here.)

It's not like I hate my life because really I'm loving it but there are just moments that I wish I could vanish and not feel the emotions I am feeling. I hate that I feel this way. It's not something to be proud of but I am saying it because by saying this, I am admitting it and by admitting it, I can now start moving on.

Yes, I am moving on. This doesn't mean I am leaving anyone behind because trust me, I don't think I am except for a few, perhaps. I will be leaving behind negative vibes, negative energies, negative auras. I will be leaving and I am doing this literally tomorrow. This is another escape, one I need every year. This will be me time. This will be a refresher.

So I say, see you new me. I will see you soon. :)

I Plummet

I have written several blogs about this overrated topic. All of them all too corny but I’m pretty sure this one will beat it. Yes, I am pre-empting my blog but what the heck, I just had to warn my readers that this is going to be a very corny blog. One I never thought I would make but just because I am bored and I would want to do something else other than compute numbers, might as well write this. Ok, I am blabbering. Trying to prolong your agony. I’m sorry. No intentions really. Just writing.  ;p

A year ago, I would not have imagined where I am today. Well, maybe, I wish I was where I am right now. Or I may say, I have thought of this place but never in my thoughts did I consider it to happen.

Today, I find myself plummeting. No, make it plummeted. No, make it plummeting still. Or no, plummeted.

I have always blogged about this confusing state I claimed to be in. I always said I never really understood anything that was happening. I never understood why I had a lot of questions, why I need some answering, why I always felt the urge to talk. And those questions remain. But thankfully, I got one answered. It wasn’t unrequited.

You may ask me, did I plummet long before? I say no. You will argue, for sure. And I will argue. Because I do not think I did nor I was or whatever. I just had questions. And with the questions came apprehensions.  With the apprehensions came fear and then the rest is history. 

Never had I the courage to talk nor did he. The only thing we had nearest to talking was text messages. How lame. Yes, very lame. At least we told each other. But not directly still.

And we came to a funny chance. And we tried it out.So now, I can say, I plummet. (plummeted, plummeting still)

Maybe I was in denial but I will argue. Because really, if I plummeted, then maybe I should not have felt anything for anyone else, right? Or am I just denying again?

It doesn’t matter now really. What matters is today and today I will say I plummet, plummeted, plummeting still.

I know there are no guarantees, this is all a leap of faith but I am willing to take a chance just this once.

So now, I plummet.

Tears are words that need to be written

Tears are words that need to be written.

You ask me why I write, simply this: I write because I have so much emotion within me that I want out of my system and the only thing I can do is to write. I want it out of me so I can start fresh. I want it out of me because it is unwelcome. I need time to breathe. I need time to be pleased with the world.

I write what I feel and what I feel is felt by other people. I have been judged because of my writing and I vowed never to write again. But who are they to stop me from writing? Who are they to stop me from voicing out what I want the world to know? What is wrong with saying what you feel? Why question my maturity just because I wrote? Yes, it was overly emotional but what the heck? Aren’t we all? Aren’t you my dear? If I am hypocrite for writing then why are you reading? Leave my words be. It’s just words and they are my own. Leave them be. 

Over and Above, taking it Beyond

I have always been captured by the horizon. It is the epitome of the end and the beginning; a threshold of promises; a future of the present and the present of the past. It's all but a line that fills the very mark of the end and the beginning of the sea. As we approach it, it goes further; reminding us to always go further. For life is a journey. One that ends and begins with a cry - birth and death; at both times we cry, the other with joy, the other with sadness, of longing, of fear. Both moments, we celebrate; always for the celebration of life. The beginning and the end. And in the middle, what do I have? Life. 

And in the middle, I find people that inspire me. Some of them, I did not expect to meet; I did not expect would inspire me. 

Man - never contented, always wishing for the better, aiming for the best, aims a little more further. It's a cycle, nonstop, never ending, undeniably ended only if we achieve perfect happiness. But where is perfect happiness? And I ask this, why look for perfection if what we have before us is short of perfection but is beyond aesthetics, beyond contentment? It all boils down to perspective. No, life is, can never be, and will never be perfect, but life gives us moments, people that make us believe in perfection. Because perfection is not the absence of mistakes, heartaches and disappointments. Perfection is the presence of moments that erase every mistake, every heartbreak and every disappointment. Perfection is laughter. Perfection is a smile. Perfection is unguarded moments. Perfection is. 

I mumble. I blabber. I complain. Because I am disappointed, frustrated, upset. I question the existence of perfection. 

She mumbles, she blabbers but she does not complain. She only smiles. And she laughs. She laughs because she is amazed. That life has been made complicated by idiots like me. That life has been made disappointing by morons like me. That life has been made mediocrity by dimwits like me.

She smile because now she can celebrate with family, because now, she can be the hero of the family. Little did she know, she became a hero to me. She made me realize, life is simple if we want it to be. Life is beautiful just because. 

The idiot, the moron, the dimwit, that is me, meets a young one who knows that life is not about perfection but moments and people that makes you believe in perfection, if not, then at least, happiness. 

For why search for perfection if here in front of you is happiness?