Introspection

How have I become so broken?

A reflection of sorts whilst trying to start the year right.

Happiness, a conscious choice we have to make everyday. I have read somewhere and heard someone say it that how your day turns out depends entirely on you. You cannot blame anyone nor anything about your day. It is always a matter of perspective. And I would probably agree but at times when I am so down in the dumps, my mind would yell, b*llsh*t! Why can't I blame anyone else? They ruined my day by ruining my mood. And my mood can get a little touchy. This part of being emotional, I hate. I hate to add but also this part of being a woman, I don't like. Hahahaha!

I have said once before or was it a lot of times (I cannot really remember), depression for me comes almost predictably every week. For sure, at one time of the month, I consider myself depressed. It's a cycle.

And I wonder, as a character from One Tree Hill blurted it out, how have I reached this point that I feel so broken? I am insecure. I doubt my capabilities. And I have someone who questioned my being insecure. They ask the point of my being insecure when I am a professional with an acceptable job. And I ask, why question that? Just because I am successful doesn't mean I have no right to be insecure. And who the hell are they to question that? But that's beside the point.

How have I become so broken?

And I ponder. I reflect on my life, the past 25 years of it. And I must say, I have been through a lot. I have evolved from being a spoiled brat to just a maldita girl. I have become more patient. I limit my outbursts to my  written works now or occasionally, to people. And when I say outburst, I mean, undesirable outbursts of words (I would rather take back after a few hours of contemplating) and a stream of tears on my face. Upset for me means crying, sad or mad.

I have become broken because I faltered and I had a hard time getting back on my feet. I may have recovered but I still crawl. And yet I pretend that I have stood up when I have not. I pretend. I put everything else aside and pretend that everything's okay when they aren't. And now, I am broken.

But now, I have also learned that I CAN stand up. I can and I will. I am broken but I can make myself whole again. I CAN and WILL pick up the pieces.  

How have I become so broken? Because I let myself. And so now I wouldn't allow it anymore.